tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-83107556655268165642024-03-21T11:56:40.433-07:00Here it goes..Little bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8310755665526816564.post-13186991851333370812011-04-13T21:02:00.000-07:002011-04-13T21:03:16.422-07:00Day 10He's all over my freakin' head!!! I'm MAD and ANGRY!Little bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8310755665526816564.post-35702513966651715252011-04-12T00:06:00.000-07:002011-04-13T21:02:21.591-07:00Day 9So I got another call from him yesterday. I didn't pick up. He left a voicemail saying he was going out of town today and tomorrow. He wanted his laundry basket back before he got back. You know, as much as I still think about him, I'm starting to get angry. He's being stupid. I am now at a phase where I am less sad and more angry. I think about our breakup last weekend and how it came about. He is a son of a bitch. Let's start with what happened the week before the Saturday he broke it off with me. Monday- My co-workers invite me to a bday dinner at Osaka on Sunday. Time: 4 pm. But on that Sunday Scott and I had already made plans for the Blues Festival with his friends. I said, "We can go to both" Scott agrees. Thursday-Scott says, "I'm conflicted, either I go to the Blues Festival or Osaka. The Blues Festival doesn't start until 3pm" I get pissed because, yet again, he wants to ditch on our plans. We argue. I start to lose it. I regrettably call his friend and say he can have Scott all to himself now. (His friend bad mouthed me several times) I'm at work, frustrated I can't have a decent conversation with Scott. I lose it on the phone. Scott puts me on speaker phone so all of his friends can hear. I am then humiliated. Later that night, Scott says, "You need to do some soul-searching. You have anger management issues. I give you 5 days tops to decide if you still want to be in this relationship." "Fine by me." Saturday- I go to work. Since I have this time to think, I tell Scott that after work I might have a drink with a friend ( I look at this as a time to just relax). "And Sunday, I'm thinking of taking my neice and nephew to the beach." He says, "cool, no problem." A few hours later he calls saying he has a problem with me going out. He says me going out shows that I don't want to be in this relationship. "if you wanted to be in this relationship, you should have came over to see me." he says " I didn't know if I should have since I was humiliated", I say. He is highly pissed. I then ask him what he wants me to do. "Do you want me to go over there to see you?" He says it's too late. Later on his words are..."You are the worst girlfriend I've ever had. You are a liar, a cheater and you're crazy. I deserve better." "you are just a bad human being" "Everyone says I give you chance after chance after chance. No one is on your side on this one." And throws more insults. I drive over to where he's at. I walk up to the bar where he hangs out. I tell him to say it to my face. He looks over to me angrily and says, "Good bye." I turn around and walk out. Pretty stupid, huh? In my eyes, I'm thinking, through the influence of his friends, he was finally pushed to break it off with me. All of them think I'm crazy. I tell my one friend who knows my history with Scott about all of this. And she follows it saying, "Jessie, you don't need to care what those people think. They're not you're kind of people and they're not important." She's right. And now that I have this time to think, I realize that when he gets angry, he can be verbally and psychologically abusive. Ironically, I've become the same way in this relationship. Before, I was always mindful of what I needed to say in arguments. But it seems that I've gotten to this point of frustration that my words are harmful and impulsive. I started to yell again. He would give me ultimatums. I knew it was wrong, but then I would give him ultimatums. Couples in their 30's don't argue over this kind of shit, do they? And during this time apart, I'm starting to get my strength back. I'm okay being alone. My friends missed me and now I can have all of this time to make up for it. I've gained new friends who are incredibly supportive and caring. So I don't feel as sad and alone as I did the first time we broke up.Little bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8310755665526816564.post-38814178841742768592011-04-07T15:03:00.000-07:002011-04-07T15:08:36.259-07:00Day 4I'm starting to feel paralyzed again. Where I'll get stuck in my head. I tried to go to yoga class, but my work schedule just wears me down. Sadness is setting in with Scott. Coming to the realization that I lost my best friend to a poo league. He is happy there. It's obvious what choice he wanted to make. Rationally or not. Today, I found out I might be evicted since the house my dad gave up during bankruptcy has finally been ... Well, without having Scott there to at least give me a cheer, it's hitting me harder. Life is. I'm trying to tell myself, "Don't give up, don't give up, don't give up..." I have a good job I can't afford to lose. I don't have kids to feed. It's just me.Little bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8310755665526816564.post-18977173588698766902011-04-06T15:08:00.000-07:002011-04-06T15:15:36.758-07:00Day 3So yesterday when I was driving to work, the fucker calls me. I was so surprised. But I didn't answer the phone with a "hello?" . Instead, I said, "Are you serious?" He says, "You have my laundry basket, I'd like it back." Instead of refusing to giving to him because I don't want to see him, I told him I'd drop it off in front of his house. "I'm not sure when. I'm on my way to work right now." "That's fine" he says. Then, hangs up. What a child! I asked my guy friend what the fuck that phone call was about and he says, "You women read into things so much. He's just being a dick. Don't go out of your way with him. Tell him you'll have it in front of your doorstep and he can pick it up." I suppose I could do that but wouldn't that be pissing him off, and then a whole drama scene can ensue. Because I know it's not just about the fucking laundry basket. You can buy a new one at Target. Later on at work he texts me saying I have his tupperware too. My auntie said he was a loser.Little bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8310755665526816564.post-43803760576568246432011-04-05T00:26:00.001-07:002011-04-05T00:36:35.125-07:00Day 2 after workSo today all of the aunties at work found out my boyfriend and I broke up. Good Lord! Now they want to set me up on a date. ahahaha! "Go! Have fun!" one of them says. "You're still young", they say. <br /><br />I even received a compliment from one of my co=workers. Apparently, one of her husband's friends thought I was 13 years old. HA! and then when he found out I am 33 years old, he then said he liked me. hahaha! pedofile ...<br /><br />I am even invited to a new club with the younger co-workers this Saturday. Woo hoo! Clubbing is not really my thing anymore, but it's the company I'll like. I bet they just want to see me drunk or cut loose at least. <br /><br />That made me feel a little better. But I still have more mind disciplining to do. My thoughts can wander when it comes to Scott.<br /><br />I feel like I'm getting addicted to this blogger thing. Hehe.<br /><br />And by the way, did I mention I started a new eHarmony account. I know, I know it's too soon. I guess I'm just curious to what else is out there. But from what I've seen on the site, it doesn't look like much. I don't respond to much of the guys' interests on there partly because I know it's kind of wrong for me to be on there.Little bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8310755665526816564.post-73887286939104544872011-04-04T15:02:00.000-07:002011-04-04T15:10:39.458-07:00Day 2So I had my very first yoga class and it was exhilirating! I cannot believe it took me this long to try it. It could've helped me through many situations. I definitely need to continue with this. I even met a new person, Kim. I'm not sure if I'll be able to see her in the next class. But at least it was nice to meet a new person. But thinking about Scott did seep in there. As soon as I woke up this morning, he was right in there. So I got my ass up to start yoga. I've already been through the depression stage where it was hard for me to even get out of bed and out of my head. I couldn't do that to myself again. But now, I'm at work. God! Please take me to the day shift. I don't mind working with the people I work with, I just hate the hours I have to work. No room for a life! Sometimes the irrational thoughts about Scott take me over, but I try to recenter myself and remember to let go. Part of me thinks, he'll be back. But the fear is that he will meet someone new since he's in a place where he is complete. He has his hangout, his friends, his money, and his own place. His future is going to be okay because he's playing his cards right with his employer. I know he still thinks about me and will keep thinking about me. I just wish he didn't hate me so much before we broke up. Ugh! but nevermind that..I have a long way to go. The dead time is what is killing me.Little bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8310755665526816564.post-21800843282345953312011-04-04T03:54:00.000-07:002011-04-04T04:15:08.960-07:00Day 2Uh oh...here it comes. I woke up suddenly and bam! there he is..on my brain. The yearning. The anxiety. I have to remember why this is a good thing to keep from going crazy. I am literally shaking. Stay strong, stay strong, stay strong. I have to work through the pain. I cant drink it down, drug it down, deny it down, or whatever avoidance tactics there are. I'm thinking yoga at 9 a.m. www.bikramyogajax.com. I need to get out and be around people as much as possible.<br /><br />My heart feels like it is pounding out of my chest. I have to remember we've been here before and he's going to be going through the same thing. Where there will be moments of weakness. Where his friends won't be there for him. He'll be alone and he'll need me again.<br /><br />This breakup was just his initial reaction and he is throwing a tantrum. He is not the type to stay mad forever. (Part of me thinks, 'Yes it is! It's finally over, and it sucks..He's never coming back! I really screwed up this time!)<br /><br />But I have thought this before. Many, many, many, many, many, many, many, times......<br /><br />I'm starting to calm down now. I have to remember this is all for the best!<br /><br /><br />I think it's time to rebuild my life now.Little bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8310755665526816564.post-56371772186340066742011-04-03T19:24:00.001-07:002011-04-03T20:20:50.251-07:00My boyfriend and I broke upAm I sad? Well, this isn't my first rodeo with him so ...half of me didn't want to let go and the other half knew better. Any my oh my how I have learned soooooooo much from this experience with Mr. Scott Bissell.<br />Attractive fellow, he is. Intelligent, funny, warm, considerate, but! apparently we weren't meant to be ....again. I give myself one year to get over us. And from this point on I will be logging EVERY bit of realizations, mistakes, scenarios..everything! to get through this process.<br /><br />Today is day 1 after the break up. I didn't sit at home and mope like I did the first time. On this wonderful, cloudless Sunday, I took my niece and nephew to the beach and met up with a couple of friends. Then, I dropped the kids off at home and went to Osaka-a Chinese buffet with my co-workers. Afterwards, we went to the movies to see Adjustment Bureau with Matt Damon. I can relate to that movie so much. The instant attraction, the odds against the relationship. The only thing that was different in my relationship is that Scott and I didn't really inspire each other. But when she said the words, "You ruined me" to Matt Damon, I teared. Because those words resonated with me. Early in our relationship, I told Scott the exact same thing.<br /><br />When Scott and I met, we had instant attraction and chemistry. I've never felt anything like it before. I smile when say this because I was in euphoria. I still get euphoric just thinking about it. I met him through a friend at the pool hall. I even loved the sound of his name. After she introduced us, I couldn't concentrate or focus. I shot the 3 ball instead of the 1 after the break, and my friend asked, "uh Jess, what are you doing?" and I couldn't answer because I was embaressed of what just happened.<br /><br />It wasn't long before we started hanging out and inevitably, a relationship spawned. But though we just jolly together. There were signs. The jist of them were that he didn't keep his word. And he was quite convincing. And he showed thoughtlessness. And manipulative and controlling. Fast forward 3 years later. Those behaviors were some of the reasons why I started to become angry.<br />But in the beginning, well of course I wanted to overlook them. I liked him soooo much. I completely fell without my will.<br />At the time, I was still on my ex's phone plan. And one time he didn't pay the phone bill. I think it was like the second or third night Scott and I were going to go out, the phone gets disconnected. I freak out! I look at the bill and pay it.....$600! so that I wouldn't miss Scott's phone call. My ex had multiple lines because he was a business owner at the time. <br /><br />I definitely had my own plan after that. I never mentioned that to Scott because a part of me thinks he would probably say I was lying.<br /><br />...it kind of hurts to say that because he's accused me of lying so much. with a very cold, hurtful tone.<br />and a flood of bad memories just pours. But as I said to my girl friend, I applaud and respect him for breaking it off this time. Because I probably couldn't have done it. Our break up is best for the both of us.<br /><br />Sometimes when I'm alone, I'll start to think about things and as funny as this sounds, I'll go on YouTube and look up videos on how to go through breakups. It's self-help, if you will. <br /><br />I know going through this last experience, I went to a very bad and very dark place. And I'm still there. I'm supposed to be assured that I will find a better partner suited for me. But that won't happen until I feel achieved and happy in my environment. I'm supposed to pursue my goals and sustain from them. I am happy when I am learning something new. I have something in mind. And this time, I will see it through until the very end. Because then, I will be in the right place. <br /><br />My journey not only includes reestablishing my lost relationships, but developing new ones. Because for a long time, I've felt I haven't found my group of people. <br /><br />For a long time, I was with his group of people. There was him, his friends, then me. I gave him 90% of power in the relationship, which resulted in his lack of respect for me. Things were fine because it was all going his way. Fucked up, isn't it? I allowed this because I didn't want to lose him. <br /><br />co-dependency? Definitely! Yet again, I emersed myself in his world. <br /><br />A friend of mine, my angel, gave me the realization that I didn't fit with his friends because they weren't my type of people. and it didn't matter what they thought. And now that I thought of it, Scott was actually a good-looking loser. Even the way he dresses sometimes. Ugh. embarrassing. I definitely helped him that. How is he going to go shopping without me?<br /><br />I almost convinced myself that his life would be my life, and I would've been okay with it.<br /><br />Okay, sleepy now. I will regurgitate Scott another time. .....I'm actually already tired of talking about him. Ugh, but I'm going to hate waking up in the morning.Little bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8310755665526816564.post-64826669119709597522010-06-20T23:15:00.000-07:002010-06-20T23:30:51.173-07:00Moving on...So breaking away from my ex was one of the hardest things I've had to...when it rains it pours with me.<br />After my ex split, I've had to deal with living back home. My dad having to take care of me and my mom who has Alzeheimer's ( or however you spell it)..dealing with possible bankruptcy, and dealing with having to move to a place to have a roof over my head. When my parents move back to the PI, they will be save and taken care of.<br /><br />But their grandchildren will not have them and I will not have a home to run to anymore. <br /><br />On top of all of that, I have a few months of school to deal with. which means having to deal with a part-time job I'm not really good at, just to make ends meet.<br /><br />I cried nearly everyday.<br /><br />My friends are somewhat there for me, but there is no one who is truly there. Not like my ex. even he has issues to deal with outside of me.<br /><br />The relationship I could do without. But losing the friendship really hurt. <br /><br />I tried to look online for someone. but it can't happen. <br /><br />Everyone tells me, "things will get better" or "you'll find someone better suited for you" but I truly don't believe it. What also hurts is that I'm another trail of his ex-girlfriends that he broke it off with because I didn't meet his standards. I truly thought I was different. But there were conditions to be with him.<br /><br />I went out with a friend today. And it made me realize that, I've got to help my dad out more. moping around the house and not doing anything, put alot of responsibility on him.<br /><br />I think that maybe if my parents took the time to talk to me about what I was going through..all of the sadness that I hav eto cope with, that at least I would make an effort to help. I realized that I was and am depressed for a number of years. Because I never truly had a decent dialogue with them.<br /><br />It just wasn't apart of my family, I guess.<br /><br />So I looked outside for love. and now that I've lost it. I am in a deep depression. I can't afford care so...i'm having to deal. It's not like when I was 20, where I was resilient and optimistic. <br /><br />Now, at 32, I want a deep connection and relationship. but everyone around me is practically married and having their 2nd or 3rd kid.<br /><br />I don't want to hang out with couples...it sucks.Little bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8310755665526816564.post-28578429401843579062010-06-10T19:59:00.001-07:002010-06-10T20:53:36.614-07:00So I think I understand why people turn into alcoholics. I think I know why people want to just drown themselves into oblivion. <br />Today was another battle field with the ex. and every time we get like this, we are always done. <br />But I think I know what he's getting at this time, I think he wants me to show him that I am really going to try for him. "You're not going to use me again." He says. Basically, I have to pay rent to stay with him. Which is understandable.<br />But being his gf, if I didn't pay the exact amount (given my school commute and part-time hours), I'm afraid he would get on my ass again.<br /><br />He used to say, "we're supposed to lean on each other. I lean on you, you lean on me." and now it's, " you're not staying with me without paying."<br /><br />It doesn't seem like there's no compromise on his part. Of course I can pay..I just dont know how consistent I would be.<br /><br />So now I think all is fucked, he plans on getting a roommate who is a girl. I told him I plan on moving in with a guy.<br /><br />He has the idea...I'm going to fuck with someone for free rent. How he got it in his idea....I will admit though, I did consider live-in domestic..which means I clean for free stay...nothing sexual.<br /><br />I did think about that, but I didn't want to tell him. God! If that were to happen, can I pooolllleeeeeasse find a cute guy?<br /><br />But that's not the real world. I guess it's good we're not together. may be I can get my head together and get my shit straight. <br /><br />It's just the long lonely road ahead. My 'home' used to be with him. and now I've got to learn to build my own home.<br /><br />The hard part is that there is no 'safety' anymore. There's not that one person you can share your day with.<br />Our breakup was sudden and nasty, and it's just hard to believe that it is so suddenly gone.<br /><br />and the thing is, I have alot of friends that would love to take me out and introduce me to other guys, but right now it's just so hard to imagine. I would feel so damn insecure.<br /><br />maybe it was having to be in a relationship with a younger guy that was the problem.<br />He's two years younger than me.<br /><br />maybe it's good to let him go.Little bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8310755665526816564.post-19025801797299008642010-06-06T20:35:00.000-07:002010-06-06T21:27:18.121-07:00More anxietyOther issues spring to mind....I have to find another place to live. For the past five years, I haven't been on my own. And now that my ex is out of the picture, and now that I really need his help, I'm worried. and anxious.<br /><br />In order for me to make rent, I am going to have to find another job that can take care of my bills, which would mean, I would have less time and less sleep. Which MIGHT be a good thing because I can be distracted from the breakup. I can meet new people and network. <br /><br />I'm not very good with not having sleep. I've thought about maybe doing some modeling. Even at my age, I'm still getting compliments on my photos and body. <br /><br />and btw, if I had time, I can salsa dance again. Oh how I missed that so!Little bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8310755665526816564.post-72089021031654681892010-06-06T15:17:00.000-07:002010-06-06T16:26:43.738-07:00Heartbroken againIt's official. We had an amicable breakup yesterday morning. It wasn't a mutual one. But it was probably the best break up I ever experienced. <br /><br />Then, to top it off, I had to go to a wedding the next hour. He was supposed to show up at the wedding reception. Since we broke up, he didn't show up.<br /><br />Sucked balls!<br /><br />Now that everything is said and done, the wedding party is over, I have a day off. But this day off is not working very well. I went to a brunch so that I could occupy my time surrounded by people. The awful thing is is there was not a single person there; it was all couples.<br /><br />When I came home, my dad packed up more stuff since we will have to give up the house pretty soon. It hit me then. I'm going to have to find a place to live. <br /><br />I thought about quitting school so I could work and afford to live. I became stressed and called my ex. I needed his opinion on what to do. He's normally good at giving advice.<br /><br />He answered. He gave me his opinion. and reiterated that we are not to talk about the relationship woes, especially after only one day after breaking up. <br /><br />"I can't be there for you. I can't be your boyfriend. We're done." Yes, it fucking hurt alot. I felt like my heart was sliced in half. I literally have heart aches.<br /><br />My ex plays the 'tough guy' act. He acts like he's handling it. He can be very confusing. When we are together, he loves me so much. he doesn't want me to move away, he wants me to move in with him, he wants me to lean on him...but then when there is something he disagrees with, he's 'done' -then all of a sudden, he doesn't want to hear from me, he's not concerned about me, he wants any reminders of me discarded. ...he can just be downright mean.<br /><br />he quickly wants to move on...and I get sooo confused. At this point, maybe I should just give him what he wants, let go, and give it time.<br /><br />I've been at a point where I thought this relationship wasn't right for us, I told him what I thought but not in those words, and he convinced me otherwise.<br /><br />But now, he has the same idea I had, and he's sticking to his guns. So, in essence, it's more about his timing.<br />but I still feel that if I were to start going out and having fun with the idea that I am free, I'm afraid he will call, and then I'm drawn to him again.<br /><br />I don't know for sure that it is over between us still. I honestly don't know if I could break it off from him completely.Little bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8310755665526816564.post-24890409610735536272010-05-23T22:01:00.001-07:002010-05-23T22:02:07.169-07:00Back on again...Relationship is now stabilized..maybe we just needed to have sex.Little bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8310755665526816564.post-9054166706432569522010-05-18T23:11:00.000-07:002010-05-18T23:43:36.640-07:00Pick your battles?well the argument from Monday ensues. It is Tuesday at 2 a.m. He didn't call me and I didn't call him. But I thought about him all day. Last night before bed time, I told myself "Don't worry about him. He's not worried about you." <br /><br />Today, not so lucky. Two issues that can break a relationship...and we have them. - Money and Communication. And somehow it always comes back to us. <br /><br />This time, I wasn't so distraught of our argument. Because I am at a point where I'm trying the best that I can, but it's not good enough. Did I mention he's an aries?<br /><br />I am at a point where my point of view is completely shut down, yet again. It's frustrating.<br /><br />Sometimes I try to tell myself to just relax, and recenter. <br /><br />Having a relationship while going to school is hard. Because there's no MONEY! I know he's frustrated and getting impatient-I can hear it in is voice. I have a feeling, come October time when I graduate-he's going to expect I quickly get a job and make 50 fucking thousand dollars a year-at least. <br /><br />And if I don't by December, his patience will be lost and he'll find somebody else. Which I wouldn't blame him. <br /><br />I don't know what to doLittle bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8310755665526816564.post-49012668312760959292010-05-17T19:19:00.000-07:002010-05-17T19:24:11.481-07:00WTF?what the ef does he want from me? I put in 50 hours a week juggling school, work, and a relationship. I'm doing the best that I can while trying to stay sane and he's going to get on my ass about not cleaning the freakin' litter box? <br /><br />I fucking give up. <br />I debated telling him about this blog site...and now I think, hell no.<br /><br />Maybe I'm thinking he'd be happier with someone who was submissive, with much less personality, and who is a Martha Stewart clone.. because I'm not sure if I can handle living with him in the future.Little bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8310755665526816564.post-22475345950387035582010-05-16T23:04:00.000-07:002010-05-16T23:06:33.042-07:00Poor baby!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzccerUNfuW9H37wnLO7Ied40Dx3Xm2ixr5LWxvHZaF4g1w0mJuvujwgnmHdM8v-ht-azQsNj3fRl18TGhIV8qAbBSeH6w7mrxCZ7w7t4AzjbCL12NHJeWXmqC0WFPbRg4ZH0zQPSB9iNd/s1600/Iphone.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 240px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5472116324925596194" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzccerUNfuW9H37wnLO7Ied40Dx3Xm2ixr5LWxvHZaF4g1w0mJuvujwgnmHdM8v-ht-azQsNj3fRl18TGhIV8qAbBSeH6w7mrxCZ7w7t4AzjbCL12NHJeWXmqC0WFPbRg4ZH0zQPSB9iNd/s320/Iphone.jpg" /></a><br /><div><span style="color:#ffff00;">Well at least I don't have it as bad as little BaBa.... =(</span></div>Little bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8310755665526816564.post-33296460202982716182010-05-16T22:37:00.001-07:002010-05-16T22:50:02.268-07:0050 hours a week<span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#ffff00;">So much time has passed since my last post. I think I am in a better place too. My workplace has been easier for me to work, and plus I've been happier. The money helps=)</span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#ffff00;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#ffff00;">My relationship with my bf has been loooovelyyy! I owe it to a little maturity on my part that has loong been overdue. A major breakthrough in our relationship has alot to do with hurdling through a communication obstacle. With him, I have learned that as combative as he can be...as long as I allow him to speak about everything that is on his mind (even though it'll take at least 10 minutes non-stop)...and towards the ending I reiterate his point of view..it is smooth sailing from there.</span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#ffff00;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#ffff00;">Today I attended my friend's bridal shower and one of the things we had to participate in is writing marriage advice to the bride. Marriage advice? from ME? hahahhahahaa....I'm 32 and have a string of failed relationships....well I wrote that listening is one of the most important things you can do to liven a relationship. Oh! and don't yell to make your point. That took me about 30 years to learn.</span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#ffff00;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#ffff00;">Other good things-keeping up with full-time school isn't killing me this quarter.</span>Little bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8310755665526816564.post-68661209304252657562010-05-09T21:52:00.000-07:002010-05-09T21:59:01.000-07:00The first week of school (ugh)So I did it! Worked Mother's Day..volunteered for TPC...and completed my online class! Whew! The week is FINALLY over.<br /><br />Oh! and I found a picture of my bf's ex on the internet...long story..somehow she thought she could email my bf (yes, we got back together-surprise suprise) and become friends all of a sudden.<br /><br />I doubt he reached out to her..he let me read the emails.<br /><br />How convenient it would've been for him to find an email pal if we had stayed broken up...?? But I must say...she had a really big face. Maybe she's not photogenic. Well, she tried in her pic anyway.<br /><br />Ex's and friend-Ha! Dealbreaker.Little bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8310755665526816564.post-34571145496167578312010-05-06T22:21:00.000-07:002010-05-06T22:48:22.957-07:00The older you getSo I think I understand why some people become hard and uncaring. I think some people who work alot need the distraction. I feel that some people who are not social or seemingly don't care do not want to show vulnerability. Just like myself, they have been hurt and disappointed a number of times that, one time maybe they wanted to care and give, but just couldn't do it anymore. Somehow, giving becomes a liability. It is quite sad. <br />Throughout my life, I've always had this youthful, optimistic spirit. I'm turning 33 this year and I can feel that spirit slipping away. I'm scared to let that go because I truly do NOT want to be one of those bitter women who can snap at you like they've suddenly become bipolar.Little bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8310755665526816564.post-13557078418090669452010-05-02T21:28:00.001-07:002010-05-02T21:57:44.537-07:00First Entry ...Yay!<span style="color:#3333ff;">So I hear blogging is therapeutic. I never thought I would be sharing my business on the internet. BUT! I guess there is a first for everything. </span><br /><span style="color:#3333ff;">So the main reason why I felt this was important to do was because I am now going through another devastating breakup...boo hoo boo hoo! (Sigh) </span><br /><span style="color:#3333ff;">Cut to the third day after the break up. Today I found out my ex enjoyed his warm sunny Sunday out of town on his friend's new boat. While I stayed indoors until I had to work. </span><br /><span style="color:#3333ff;">The moment I stepped outside for a cigarette, I found the day was fucking beautiful. And then I thought...he's enjoying himself...and I could've had a chance to be there with him. I'm fucking pissed.</span><br /><span style="color:#3333ff;">Yes, I've spoken with ALL of my close girl friends to keep my head in perspective. You know who your friends are when you are the most vulnerable. And they are soooo willing to pick you up and dust you off. But, I also pat myself on the back for reaching out to them. When I was younger, I wouldn't have dared. I would'v kept it all inside because .... because ..I didn't know how to share then.</span><br /><span style="color:#3333ff;">and what do you know? I'm not pissed anymore. I wish I could write a screen play about my whole love life with this last one. I'm sure people could relate. Girl meets boy, girl falls for boy, she think he's the one, until ...he has to wait for her to finish school, he adds on rent to take of care of her, he mistrusts her because of rumors about her from devious outsiders, she changes who she is for him, but is conflicted ..., the passionate love they once shared becomes buried under mistrust, financial woes, and stubborn indifferences....</span><br /><span style="color:#3333ff;">so now what? where will their paths lead? back to each other?...permanently away from each other? ..I'm not going to hold my breath..</span>Little bebehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04543158573573811603noreply@blogger.com0