My boyfriend and I broke up

Am I sad? Well, this isn't my first rodeo with him so ...half of me didn't want to let go and the other half knew better. Any my oh my how I have learned soooooooo much from this experience with Mr. Scott Bissell.
Attractive fellow, he is. Intelligent, funny, warm, considerate, but! apparently we weren't meant to be ....again. I give myself one year to get over us. And from this point on I will be logging EVERY bit of realizations, mistakes, scenarios..everything! to get through this process.

Today is day 1 after the break up. I didn't sit at home and mope like I did the first time. On this wonderful, cloudless Sunday, I took my niece and nephew to the beach and met up with a couple of friends. Then, I dropped the kids off at home and went to Osaka-a Chinese buffet with my co-workers. Afterwards, we went to the movies to see Adjustment Bureau with Matt Damon. I can relate to that movie so much. The instant attraction, the odds against the relationship. The only thing that was different in my relationship is that Scott and I didn't really inspire each other. But when she said the words, "You ruined me" to Matt Damon, I teared. Because those words resonated with me. Early in our relationship, I told Scott the exact same thing.

When Scott and I met, we had instant attraction and chemistry. I've never felt anything like it before. I smile when say this because I was in euphoria. I still get euphoric just thinking about it. I met him through a friend at the pool hall. I even loved the sound of his name. After she introduced us, I couldn't concentrate or focus. I shot the 3 ball instead of the 1 after the break, and my friend asked, "uh Jess, what are you doing?" and I couldn't answer because I was embaressed of what just happened.

It wasn't long before we started hanging out and inevitably, a relationship spawned. But though we just jolly together. There were signs. The jist of them were that he didn't keep his word. And he was quite convincing. And he showed thoughtlessness. And manipulative and controlling. Fast forward 3 years later. Those behaviors were some of the reasons why I started to become angry.
But in the beginning, well of course I wanted to overlook them. I liked him soooo much. I completely fell without my will.
At the time, I was still on my ex's phone plan. And one time he didn't pay the phone bill. I think it was like the second or third night Scott and I were going to go out, the phone gets disconnected. I freak out! I look at the bill and pay it.....$600! so that I wouldn't miss Scott's phone call. My ex had multiple lines because he was a business owner at the time.

I definitely had my own plan after that. I never mentioned that to Scott because a part of me thinks he would probably say I was lying.

...it kind of hurts to say that because he's accused me of lying so much. with a very cold, hurtful tone.
and a flood of bad memories just pours. But as I said to my girl friend, I applaud and respect him for breaking it off this time. Because I probably couldn't have done it. Our break up is best for the both of us.

Sometimes when I'm alone, I'll start to think about things and as funny as this sounds, I'll go on YouTube and look up videos on how to go through breakups. It's self-help, if you will.

I know going through this last experience, I went to a very bad and very dark place. And I'm still there. I'm supposed to be assured that I will find a better partner suited for me. But that won't happen until I feel achieved and happy in my environment. I'm supposed to pursue my goals and sustain from them. I am happy when I am learning something new. I have something in mind. And this time, I will see it through until the very end. Because then, I will be in the right place.

My journey not only includes reestablishing my lost relationships, but developing new ones. Because for a long time, I've felt I haven't found my group of people.

For a long time, I was with his group of people. There was him, his friends, then me. I gave him 90% of power in the relationship, which resulted in his lack of respect for me. Things were fine because it was all going his way. Fucked up, isn't it? I allowed this because I didn't want to lose him.

co-dependency? Definitely! Yet again, I emersed myself in his world.

A friend of mine, my angel, gave me the realization that I didn't fit with his friends because they weren't my type of people. and it didn't matter what they thought. And now that I thought of it, Scott was actually a good-looking loser. Even the way he dresses sometimes. Ugh. embarrassing. I definitely helped him that. How is he going to go shopping without me?

I almost convinced myself that his life would be my life, and I would've been okay with it.

Okay, sleepy now. I will regurgitate Scott another time. .....I'm actually already tired of talking about him. Ugh, but I'm going to hate waking up in the morning.

Moving on...

So breaking away from my ex was one of the hardest things I've had to...when it rains it pours with me.
After my ex split, I've had to deal with living back home. My dad having to take care of me and my mom who has Alzeheimer's ( or however you spell it)..dealing with possible bankruptcy, and dealing with having to move to a place to have a roof over my head. When my parents move back to the PI, they will be save and taken care of.

But their grandchildren will not have them and I will not have a home to run to anymore.

On top of all of that, I have a few months of school to deal with. which means having to deal with a part-time job I'm not really good at, just to make ends meet.

I cried nearly everyday.

My friends are somewhat there for me, but there is no one who is truly there. Not like my ex. even he has issues to deal with outside of me.

The relationship I could do without. But losing the friendship really hurt.

I tried to look online for someone. but it can't happen.

Everyone tells me, "things will get better" or "you'll find someone better suited for you" but I truly don't believe it. What also hurts is that I'm another trail of his ex-girlfriends that he broke it off with because I didn't meet his standards. I truly thought I was different. But there were conditions to be with him.

I went out with a friend today. And it made me realize that, I've got to help my dad out more. moping around the house and not doing anything, put alot of responsibility on him.

I think that maybe if my parents took the time to talk to me about what I was going through..all of the sadness that I hav eto cope with, that at least I would make an effort to help. I realized that I was and am depressed for a number of years. Because I never truly had a decent dialogue with them.

It just wasn't apart of my family, I guess.

So I looked outside for love. and now that I've lost it. I am in a deep depression. I can't afford care so...i'm having to deal. It's not like when I was 20, where I was resilient and optimistic.

Now, at 32, I want a deep connection and relationship. but everyone around me is practically married and having their 2nd or 3rd kid.

I don't want to hang out with couples...it sucks.

So I think I understand why people turn into alcoholics. I think I know why people want to just drown themselves into oblivion.
Today was another battle field with the ex. and every time we get like this, we are always done.
But I think I know what he's getting at this time, I think he wants me to show him that I am really going to try for him. "You're not going to use me again." He says. Basically, I have to pay rent to stay with him. Which is understandable.
But being his gf, if I didn't pay the exact amount (given my school commute and part-time hours), I'm afraid he would get on my ass again.

He used to say, "we're supposed to lean on each other. I lean on you, you lean on me." and now it's, " you're not staying with me without paying."

It doesn't seem like there's no compromise on his part. Of course I can pay..I just dont know how consistent I would be.

So now I think all is fucked, he plans on getting a roommate who is a girl. I told him I plan on moving in with a guy.

He has the idea...I'm going to fuck with someone for free rent. How he got it in his idea....I will admit though, I did consider live-in domestic..which means I clean for free stay...nothing sexual.

I did think about that, but I didn't want to tell him. God! If that were to happen, can I pooolllleeeeeasse find a cute guy?

But that's not the real world. I guess it's good we're not together. may be I can get my head together and get my shit straight.

It's just the long lonely road ahead. My 'home' used to be with him. and now I've got to learn to build my own home.

The hard part is that there is no 'safety' anymore. There's not that one person you can share your day with.
Our breakup was sudden and nasty, and it's just hard to believe that it is so suddenly gone.

and the thing is, I have alot of friends that would love to take me out and introduce me to other guys, but right now it's just so hard to imagine. I would feel so damn insecure.

maybe it was having to be in a relationship with a younger guy that was the problem.
He's two years younger than me.

maybe it's good to let him go.

More anxiety

Other issues spring to mind....I have to find another place to live. For the past five years, I haven't been on my own. And now that my ex is out of the picture, and now that I really need his help, I'm worried. and anxious.

In order for me to make rent, I am going to have to find another job that can take care of my bills, which would mean, I would have less time and less sleep. Which MIGHT be a good thing because I can be distracted from the breakup. I can meet new people and network.

I'm not very good with not having sleep. I've thought about maybe doing some modeling. Even at my age, I'm still getting compliments on my photos and body.

and btw, if I had time, I can salsa dance again. Oh how I missed that so!

Heartbroken again

It's official. We had an amicable breakup yesterday morning. It wasn't a mutual one. But it was probably the best break up I ever experienced.

Then, to top it off, I had to go to a wedding the next hour. He was supposed to show up at the wedding reception. Since we broke up, he didn't show up.

Sucked balls!

Now that everything is said and done, the wedding party is over, I have a day off. But this day off is not working very well. I went to a brunch so that I could occupy my time surrounded by people. The awful thing is is there was not a single person there; it was all couples.

When I came home, my dad packed up more stuff since we will have to give up the house pretty soon. It hit me then. I'm going to have to find a place to live.

I thought about quitting school so I could work and afford to live. I became stressed and called my ex. I needed his opinion on what to do. He's normally good at giving advice.

He answered. He gave me his opinion. and reiterated that we are not to talk about the relationship woes, especially after only one day after breaking up.

"I can't be there for you. I can't be your boyfriend. We're done." Yes, it fucking hurt alot. I felt like my heart was sliced in half. I literally have heart aches.

My ex plays the 'tough guy' act. He acts like he's handling it. He can be very confusing. When we are together, he loves me so much. he doesn't want me to move away, he wants me to move in with him, he wants me to lean on him...but then when there is something he disagrees with, he's 'done' -then all of a sudden, he doesn't want to hear from me, he's not concerned about me, he wants any reminders of me discarded. ...he can just be downright mean.

he quickly wants to move on...and I get sooo confused. At this point, maybe I should just give him what he wants, let go, and give it time.

I've been at a point where I thought this relationship wasn't right for us, I told him what I thought but not in those words, and he convinced me otherwise.

But now, he has the same idea I had, and he's sticking to his guns. So, in essence, it's more about his timing.
but I still feel that if I were to start going out and having fun with the idea that I am free, I'm afraid he will call, and then I'm drawn to him again.

I don't know for sure that it is over between us still. I honestly don't know if I could break it off from him completely.

Back on again...

Relationship is now stabilized..maybe we just needed to have sex.

Pick your battles?

well the argument from Monday ensues. It is Tuesday at 2 a.m. He didn't call me and I didn't call him. But I thought about him all day. Last night before bed time, I told myself "Don't worry about him. He's not worried about you."

Today, not so lucky. Two issues that can break a relationship...and we have them. - Money and Communication. And somehow it always comes back to us.

This time, I wasn't so distraught of our argument. Because I am at a point where I'm trying the best that I can, but it's not good enough. Did I mention he's an aries?

I am at a point where my point of view is completely shut down, yet again. It's frustrating.

Sometimes I try to tell myself to just relax, and recenter.

Having a relationship while going to school is hard. Because there's no MONEY! I know he's frustrated and getting impatient-I can hear it in is voice. I have a feeling, come October time when I graduate-he's going to expect I quickly get a job and make 50 fucking thousand dollars a year-at least.

And if I don't by December, his patience will be lost and he'll find somebody else. Which I wouldn't blame him.

I don't know what to do