Sunday, June 6, 2010

Heartbroken again

It's official. We had an amicable breakup yesterday morning. It wasn't a mutual one. But it was probably the best break up I ever experienced.

Then, to top it off, I had to go to a wedding the next hour. He was supposed to show up at the wedding reception. Since we broke up, he didn't show up.

Sucked balls!

Now that everything is said and done, the wedding party is over, I have a day off. But this day off is not working very well. I went to a brunch so that I could occupy my time surrounded by people. The awful thing is is there was not a single person there; it was all couples.

When I came home, my dad packed up more stuff since we will have to give up the house pretty soon. It hit me then. I'm going to have to find a place to live.

I thought about quitting school so I could work and afford to live. I became stressed and called my ex. I needed his opinion on what to do. He's normally good at giving advice.

He answered. He gave me his opinion. and reiterated that we are not to talk about the relationship woes, especially after only one day after breaking up.

"I can't be there for you. I can't be your boyfriend. We're done." Yes, it fucking hurt alot. I felt like my heart was sliced in half. I literally have heart aches.

My ex plays the 'tough guy' act. He acts like he's handling it. He can be very confusing. When we are together, he loves me so much. he doesn't want me to move away, he wants me to move in with him, he wants me to lean on him...but then when there is something he disagrees with, he's 'done' -then all of a sudden, he doesn't want to hear from me, he's not concerned about me, he wants any reminders of me discarded. ...he can just be downright mean.

he quickly wants to move on...and I get sooo confused. At this point, maybe I should just give him what he wants, let go, and give it time.

I've been at a point where I thought this relationship wasn't right for us, I told him what I thought but not in those words, and he convinced me otherwise.

But now, he has the same idea I had, and he's sticking to his guns. So, in essence, it's more about his timing.
but I still feel that if I were to start going out and having fun with the idea that I am free, I'm afraid he will call, and then I'm drawn to him again.

I don't know for sure that it is over between us still. I honestly don't know if I could break it off from him completely.

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