Thursday, June 10, 2010

So I think I understand why people turn into alcoholics. I think I know why people want to just drown themselves into oblivion.
Today was another battle field with the ex. and every time we get like this, we are always done.
But I think I know what he's getting at this time, I think he wants me to show him that I am really going to try for him. "You're not going to use me again." He says. Basically, I have to pay rent to stay with him. Which is understandable.
But being his gf, if I didn't pay the exact amount (given my school commute and part-time hours), I'm afraid he would get on my ass again.

He used to say, "we're supposed to lean on each other. I lean on you, you lean on me." and now it's, " you're not staying with me without paying."

It doesn't seem like there's no compromise on his part. Of course I can pay..I just dont know how consistent I would be.

So now I think all is fucked, he plans on getting a roommate who is a girl. I told him I plan on moving in with a guy.

He has the idea...I'm going to fuck with someone for free rent. How he got it in his idea....I will admit though, I did consider live-in domestic..which means I clean for free stay...nothing sexual.

I did think about that, but I didn't want to tell him. God! If that were to happen, can I pooolllleeeeeasse find a cute guy?

But that's not the real world. I guess it's good we're not together. may be I can get my head together and get my shit straight.

It's just the long lonely road ahead. My 'home' used to be with him. and now I've got to learn to build my own home.

The hard part is that there is no 'safety' anymore. There's not that one person you can share your day with.
Our breakup was sudden and nasty, and it's just hard to believe that it is so suddenly gone.

and the thing is, I have alot of friends that would love to take me out and introduce me to other guys, but right now it's just so hard to imagine. I would feel so damn insecure.

maybe it was having to be in a relationship with a younger guy that was the problem.
He's two years younger than me.

maybe it's good to let him go.

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