Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Day 10

He's all over my freakin' head!!! I'm MAD and ANGRY!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Day 9

So I got another call from him yesterday. I didn't pick up. He left a voicemail saying he was going out of town today and tomorrow. He wanted his laundry basket back before he got back. You know, as much as I still think about him, I'm starting to get angry. He's being stupid. I am now at a phase where I am less sad and more angry. I think about our breakup last weekend and how it came about. He is a son of a bitch. Let's start with what happened the week before the Saturday he broke it off with me. Monday- My co-workers invite me to a bday dinner at Osaka on Sunday. Time: 4 pm. But on that Sunday Scott and I had already made plans for the Blues Festival with his friends. I said, "We can go to both" Scott agrees. Thursday-Scott says, "I'm conflicted, either I go to the Blues Festival or Osaka. The Blues Festival doesn't start until 3pm" I get pissed because, yet again, he wants to ditch on our plans. We argue. I start to lose it. I regrettably call his friend and say he can have Scott all to himself now. (His friend bad mouthed me several times) I'm at work, frustrated I can't have a decent conversation with Scott. I lose it on the phone. Scott puts me on speaker phone so all of his friends can hear. I am then humiliated. Later that night, Scott says, "You need to do some soul-searching. You have anger management issues. I give you 5 days tops to decide if you still want to be in this relationship." "Fine by me." Saturday- I go to work. Since I have this time to think, I tell Scott that after work I might have a drink with a friend ( I look at this as a time to just relax). "And Sunday, I'm thinking of taking my neice and nephew to the beach." He says, "cool, no problem." A few hours later he calls saying he has a problem with me going out. He says me going out shows that I don't want to be in this relationship. "if you wanted to be in this relationship, you should have came over to see me." he says " I didn't know if I should have since I was humiliated", I say. He is highly pissed. I then ask him what he wants me to do. "Do you want me to go over there to see you?" He says it's too late. Later on his words are..."You are the worst girlfriend I've ever had. You are a liar, a cheater and you're crazy. I deserve better." "you are just a bad human being" "Everyone says I give you chance after chance after chance. No one is on your side on this one." And throws more insults. I drive over to where he's at. I walk up to the bar where he hangs out. I tell him to say it to my face. He looks over to me angrily and says, "Good bye." I turn around and walk out. Pretty stupid, huh? In my eyes, I'm thinking, through the influence of his friends, he was finally pushed to break it off with me. All of them think I'm crazy. I tell my one friend who knows my history with Scott about all of this. And she follows it saying, "Jessie, you don't need to care what those people think. They're not you're kind of people and they're not important." She's right. And now that I have this time to think, I realize that when he gets angry, he can be verbally and psychologically abusive. Ironically, I've become the same way in this relationship. Before, I was always mindful of what I needed to say in arguments. But it seems that I've gotten to this point of frustration that my words are harmful and impulsive. I started to yell again. He would give me ultimatums. I knew it was wrong, but then I would give him ultimatums. Couples in their 30's don't argue over this kind of shit, do they? And during this time apart, I'm starting to get my strength back. I'm okay being alone. My friends missed me and now I can have all of this time to make up for it. I've gained new friends who are incredibly supportive and caring. So I don't feel as sad and alone as I did the first time we broke up.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Day 4

I'm starting to feel paralyzed again. Where I'll get stuck in my head. I tried to go to yoga class, but my work schedule just wears me down. Sadness is setting in with Scott. Coming to the realization that I lost my best friend to a poo league. He is happy there. It's obvious what choice he wanted to make. Rationally or not. Today, I found out I might be evicted since the house my dad gave up during bankruptcy has finally been ... Well, without having Scott there to at least give me a cheer, it's hitting me harder. Life is. I'm trying to tell myself, "Don't give up, don't give up, don't give up..." I have a good job I can't afford to lose. I don't have kids to feed. It's just me.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Day 3

So yesterday when I was driving to work, the fucker calls me. I was so surprised. But I didn't answer the phone with a "hello?" . Instead, I said, "Are you serious?" He says, "You have my laundry basket, I'd like it back." Instead of refusing to giving to him because I don't want to see him, I told him I'd drop it off in front of his house. "I'm not sure when. I'm on my way to work right now." "That's fine" he says. Then, hangs up. What a child! I asked my guy friend what the fuck that phone call was about and he says, "You women read into things so much. He's just being a dick. Don't go out of your way with him. Tell him you'll have it in front of your doorstep and he can pick it up." I suppose I could do that but wouldn't that be pissing him off, and then a whole drama scene can ensue. Because I know it's not just about the fucking laundry basket. You can buy a new one at Target. Later on at work he texts me saying I have his tupperware too. My auntie said he was a loser.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Day 2 after work

So today all of the aunties at work found out my boyfriend and I broke up. Good Lord! Now they want to set me up on a date. ahahaha! "Go! Have fun!" one of them says. "You're still young", they say.

I even received a compliment from one of my co=workers. Apparently, one of her husband's friends thought I was 13 years old. HA! and then when he found out I am 33 years old, he then said he liked me. hahaha! pedofile ...

I am even invited to a new club with the younger co-workers this Saturday. Woo hoo! Clubbing is not really my thing anymore, but it's the company I'll like. I bet they just want to see me drunk or cut loose at least.

That made me feel a little better. But I still have more mind disciplining to do. My thoughts can wander when it comes to Scott.

I feel like I'm getting addicted to this blogger thing. Hehe.

And by the way, did I mention I started a new eHarmony account. I know, I know it's too soon. I guess I'm just curious to what else is out there. But from what I've seen on the site, it doesn't look like much. I don't respond to much of the guys' interests on there partly because I know it's kind of wrong for me to be on there.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Day 2

So I had my very first yoga class and it was exhilirating! I cannot believe it took me this long to try it. It could've helped me through many situations. I definitely need to continue with this. I even met a new person, Kim. I'm not sure if I'll be able to see her in the next class. But at least it was nice to meet a new person. But thinking about Scott did seep in there. As soon as I woke up this morning, he was right in there. So I got my ass up to start yoga. I've already been through the depression stage where it was hard for me to even get out of bed and out of my head. I couldn't do that to myself again. But now, I'm at work. God! Please take me to the day shift. I don't mind working with the people I work with, I just hate the hours I have to work. No room for a life! Sometimes the irrational thoughts about Scott take me over, but I try to recenter myself and remember to let go. Part of me thinks, he'll be back. But the fear is that he will meet someone new since he's in a place where he is complete. He has his hangout, his friends, his money, and his own place. His future is going to be okay because he's playing his cards right with his employer. I know he still thinks about me and will keep thinking about me. I just wish he didn't hate me so much before we broke up. Ugh! but nevermind that..I have a long way to go. The dead time is what is killing me.

Day 2

Uh it comes. I woke up suddenly and bam! there he is..on my brain. The yearning. The anxiety. I have to remember why this is a good thing to keep from going crazy. I am literally shaking. Stay strong, stay strong, stay strong. I have to work through the pain. I cant drink it down, drug it down, deny it down, or whatever avoidance tactics there are. I'm thinking yoga at 9 a.m. I need to get out and be around people as much as possible.

My heart feels like it is pounding out of my chest. I have to remember we've been here before and he's going to be going through the same thing. Where there will be moments of weakness. Where his friends won't be there for him. He'll be alone and he'll need me again.

This breakup was just his initial reaction and he is throwing a tantrum. He is not the type to stay mad forever. (Part of me thinks, 'Yes it is! It's finally over, and it sucks..He's never coming back! I really screwed up this time!)

But I have thought this before. Many, many, many, many, many, many, many, times......

I'm starting to calm down now. I have to remember this is all for the best!

I think it's time to rebuild my life now.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

My boyfriend and I broke up

Am I sad? Well, this isn't my first rodeo with him so ...half of me didn't want to let go and the other half knew better. Any my oh my how I have learned soooooooo much from this experience with Mr. Scott Bissell.
Attractive fellow, he is. Intelligent, funny, warm, considerate, but! apparently we weren't meant to be ....again. I give myself one year to get over us. And from this point on I will be logging EVERY bit of realizations, mistakes, scenarios..everything! to get through this process.

Today is day 1 after the break up. I didn't sit at home and mope like I did the first time. On this wonderful, cloudless Sunday, I took my niece and nephew to the beach and met up with a couple of friends. Then, I dropped the kids off at home and went to Osaka-a Chinese buffet with my co-workers. Afterwards, we went to the movies to see Adjustment Bureau with Matt Damon. I can relate to that movie so much. The instant attraction, the odds against the relationship. The only thing that was different in my relationship is that Scott and I didn't really inspire each other. But when she said the words, "You ruined me" to Matt Damon, I teared. Because those words resonated with me. Early in our relationship, I told Scott the exact same thing.

When Scott and I met, we had instant attraction and chemistry. I've never felt anything like it before. I smile when say this because I was in euphoria. I still get euphoric just thinking about it. I met him through a friend at the pool hall. I even loved the sound of his name. After she introduced us, I couldn't concentrate or focus. I shot the 3 ball instead of the 1 after the break, and my friend asked, "uh Jess, what are you doing?" and I couldn't answer because I was embaressed of what just happened.

It wasn't long before we started hanging out and inevitably, a relationship spawned. But though we just jolly together. There were signs. The jist of them were that he didn't keep his word. And he was quite convincing. And he showed thoughtlessness. And manipulative and controlling. Fast forward 3 years later. Those behaviors were some of the reasons why I started to become angry.
But in the beginning, well of course I wanted to overlook them. I liked him soooo much. I completely fell without my will.
At the time, I was still on my ex's phone plan. And one time he didn't pay the phone bill. I think it was like the second or third night Scott and I were going to go out, the phone gets disconnected. I freak out! I look at the bill and pay it.....$600! so that I wouldn't miss Scott's phone call. My ex had multiple lines because he was a business owner at the time.

I definitely had my own plan after that. I never mentioned that to Scott because a part of me thinks he would probably say I was lying. kind of hurts to say that because he's accused me of lying so much. with a very cold, hurtful tone.
and a flood of bad memories just pours. But as I said to my girl friend, I applaud and respect him for breaking it off this time. Because I probably couldn't have done it. Our break up is best for the both of us.

Sometimes when I'm alone, I'll start to think about things and as funny as this sounds, I'll go on YouTube and look up videos on how to go through breakups. It's self-help, if you will.

I know going through this last experience, I went to a very bad and very dark place. And I'm still there. I'm supposed to be assured that I will find a better partner suited for me. But that won't happen until I feel achieved and happy in my environment. I'm supposed to pursue my goals and sustain from them. I am happy when I am learning something new. I have something in mind. And this time, I will see it through until the very end. Because then, I will be in the right place.

My journey not only includes reestablishing my lost relationships, but developing new ones. Because for a long time, I've felt I haven't found my group of people.

For a long time, I was with his group of people. There was him, his friends, then me. I gave him 90% of power in the relationship, which resulted in his lack of respect for me. Things were fine because it was all going his way. Fucked up, isn't it? I allowed this because I didn't want to lose him.

co-dependency? Definitely! Yet again, I emersed myself in his world.

A friend of mine, my angel, gave me the realization that I didn't fit with his friends because they weren't my type of people. and it didn't matter what they thought. And now that I thought of it, Scott was actually a good-looking loser. Even the way he dresses sometimes. Ugh. embarrassing. I definitely helped him that. How is he going to go shopping without me?

I almost convinced myself that his life would be my life, and I would've been okay with it.

Okay, sleepy now. I will regurgitate Scott another time. .....I'm actually already tired of talking about him. Ugh, but I'm going to hate waking up in the morning.