Moving on...

So breaking away from my ex was one of the hardest things I've had to...when it rains it pours with me.
After my ex split, I've had to deal with living back home. My dad having to take care of me and my mom who has Alzeheimer's ( or however you spell it)..dealing with possible bankruptcy, and dealing with having to move to a place to have a roof over my head. When my parents move back to the PI, they will be save and taken care of.

But their grandchildren will not have them and I will not have a home to run to anymore.

On top of all of that, I have a few months of school to deal with. which means having to deal with a part-time job I'm not really good at, just to make ends meet.

I cried nearly everyday.

My friends are somewhat there for me, but there is no one who is truly there. Not like my ex. even he has issues to deal with outside of me.

The relationship I could do without. But losing the friendship really hurt.

I tried to look online for someone. but it can't happen.

Everyone tells me, "things will get better" or "you'll find someone better suited for you" but I truly don't believe it. What also hurts is that I'm another trail of his ex-girlfriends that he broke it off with because I didn't meet his standards. I truly thought I was different. But there were conditions to be with him.

I went out with a friend today. And it made me realize that, I've got to help my dad out more. moping around the house and not doing anything, put alot of responsibility on him.

I think that maybe if my parents took the time to talk to me about what I was going through..all of the sadness that I hav eto cope with, that at least I would make an effort to help. I realized that I was and am depressed for a number of years. Because I never truly had a decent dialogue with them.

It just wasn't apart of my family, I guess.

So I looked outside for love. and now that I've lost it. I am in a deep depression. I can't afford care so...i'm having to deal. It's not like when I was 20, where I was resilient and optimistic.

Now, at 32, I want a deep connection and relationship. but everyone around me is practically married and having their 2nd or 3rd kid.

I don't want to hang out with couples...it sucks.

So I think I understand why people turn into alcoholics. I think I know why people want to just drown themselves into oblivion.
Today was another battle field with the ex. and every time we get like this, we are always done.
But I think I know what he's getting at this time, I think he wants me to show him that I am really going to try for him. "You're not going to use me again." He says. Basically, I have to pay rent to stay with him. Which is understandable.
But being his gf, if I didn't pay the exact amount (given my school commute and part-time hours), I'm afraid he would get on my ass again.

He used to say, "we're supposed to lean on each other. I lean on you, you lean on me." and now it's, " you're not staying with me without paying."

It doesn't seem like there's no compromise on his part. Of course I can pay..I just dont know how consistent I would be.

So now I think all is fucked, he plans on getting a roommate who is a girl. I told him I plan on moving in with a guy.

He has the idea...I'm going to fuck with someone for free rent. How he got it in his idea....I will admit though, I did consider live-in domestic..which means I clean for free stay...nothing sexual.

I did think about that, but I didn't want to tell him. God! If that were to happen, can I pooolllleeeeeasse find a cute guy?

But that's not the real world. I guess it's good we're not together. may be I can get my head together and get my shit straight.

It's just the long lonely road ahead. My 'home' used to be with him. and now I've got to learn to build my own home.

The hard part is that there is no 'safety' anymore. There's not that one person you can share your day with.
Our breakup was sudden and nasty, and it's just hard to believe that it is so suddenly gone.

and the thing is, I have alot of friends that would love to take me out and introduce me to other guys, but right now it's just so hard to imagine. I would feel so damn insecure.

maybe it was having to be in a relationship with a younger guy that was the problem.
He's two years younger than me.

maybe it's good to let him go.

More anxiety

Other issues spring to mind....I have to find another place to live. For the past five years, I haven't been on my own. And now that my ex is out of the picture, and now that I really need his help, I'm worried. and anxious.

In order for me to make rent, I am going to have to find another job that can take care of my bills, which would mean, I would have less time and less sleep. Which MIGHT be a good thing because I can be distracted from the breakup. I can meet new people and network.

I'm not very good with not having sleep. I've thought about maybe doing some modeling. Even at my age, I'm still getting compliments on my photos and body.

and btw, if I had time, I can salsa dance again. Oh how I missed that so!

Heartbroken again

It's official. We had an amicable breakup yesterday morning. It wasn't a mutual one. But it was probably the best break up I ever experienced.

Then, to top it off, I had to go to a wedding the next hour. He was supposed to show up at the wedding reception. Since we broke up, he didn't show up.

Sucked balls!

Now that everything is said and done, the wedding party is over, I have a day off. But this day off is not working very well. I went to a brunch so that I could occupy my time surrounded by people. The awful thing is is there was not a single person there; it was all couples.

When I came home, my dad packed up more stuff since we will have to give up the house pretty soon. It hit me then. I'm going to have to find a place to live.

I thought about quitting school so I could work and afford to live. I became stressed and called my ex. I needed his opinion on what to do. He's normally good at giving advice.

He answered. He gave me his opinion. and reiterated that we are not to talk about the relationship woes, especially after only one day after breaking up.

"I can't be there for you. I can't be your boyfriend. We're done." Yes, it fucking hurt alot. I felt like my heart was sliced in half. I literally have heart aches.

My ex plays the 'tough guy' act. He acts like he's handling it. He can be very confusing. When we are together, he loves me so much. he doesn't want me to move away, he wants me to move in with him, he wants me to lean on him...but then when there is something he disagrees with, he's 'done' -then all of a sudden, he doesn't want to hear from me, he's not concerned about me, he wants any reminders of me discarded. ...he can just be downright mean.

he quickly wants to move on...and I get sooo confused. At this point, maybe I should just give him what he wants, let go, and give it time.

I've been at a point where I thought this relationship wasn't right for us, I told him what I thought but not in those words, and he convinced me otherwise.

But now, he has the same idea I had, and he's sticking to his guns. So, in essence, it's more about his timing.
but I still feel that if I were to start going out and having fun with the idea that I am free, I'm afraid he will call, and then I'm drawn to him again.

I don't know for sure that it is over between us still. I honestly don't know if I could break it off from him completely.

Back on again...

Relationship is now stabilized..maybe we just needed to have sex.

Pick your battles?

well the argument from Monday ensues. It is Tuesday at 2 a.m. He didn't call me and I didn't call him. But I thought about him all day. Last night before bed time, I told myself "Don't worry about him. He's not worried about you."

Today, not so lucky. Two issues that can break a relationship...and we have them. - Money and Communication. And somehow it always comes back to us.

This time, I wasn't so distraught of our argument. Because I am at a point where I'm trying the best that I can, but it's not good enough. Did I mention he's an aries?

I am at a point where my point of view is completely shut down, yet again. It's frustrating.

Sometimes I try to tell myself to just relax, and recenter.

Having a relationship while going to school is hard. Because there's no MONEY! I know he's frustrated and getting impatient-I can hear it in is voice. I have a feeling, come October time when I graduate-he's going to expect I quickly get a job and make 50 fucking thousand dollars a year-at least.

And if I don't by December, his patience will be lost and he'll find somebody else. Which I wouldn't blame him.

I don't know what to do

WTF?

what the ef does he want from me? I put in 50 hours a week juggling school, work, and a relationship. I'm doing the best that I can while trying to stay sane and he's going to get on my ass about not cleaning the freakin' litter box?

I fucking give up.
I debated telling him about this blog site...and now I think, hell no.

Maybe I'm thinking he'd be happier with someone who was submissive, with much less personality, and who is a Martha Stewart clone.. because I'm not sure if I can handle living with him in the future.

Poor baby!

Well at least I don't have it as bad as little BaBa.... =(

50 hours a week

So much time has passed since my last post. I think I am in a better place too. My workplace has been easier for me to work, and plus I've been happier. The money helps=)

My relationship with my bf has been loooovelyyy! I owe it to a little maturity on my part that has loong been overdue. A major breakthrough in our relationship has alot to do with hurdling through a communication obstacle. With him, I have learned that as combative as he can be...as long as I allow him to speak about everything that is on his mind (even though it'll take at least 10 minutes non-stop)...and towards the ending I reiterate his point of view..it is smooth sailing from there.

Today I attended my friend's bridal shower and one of the things we had to participate in is writing marriage advice to the bride. Marriage advice? from ME? hahahhahahaa....I'm 32 and have a string of failed relationships....well I wrote that listening is one of the most important things you can do to liven a relationship. Oh! and don't yell to make your point. That took me about 30 years to learn.

Other good things-keeping up with full-time school isn't killing me this quarter.

The first week of school (ugh)

So I did it! Worked Mother's Day..volunteered for TPC...and completed my online class! Whew! The week is FINALLY over.

Oh! and I found a picture of my bf's ex on the internet...long story..somehow she thought she could email my bf (yes, we got back together-surprise suprise) and become friends all of a sudden.

I doubt he reached out to her..he let me read the emails.

How convenient it would've been for him to find an email pal if we had stayed broken up...?? But I must say...she had a really big face. Maybe she's not photogenic. Well, she tried in her pic anyway.

Ex's and friend-Ha! Dealbreaker.

The older you get

So I think I understand why some people become hard and uncaring. I think some people who work alot need the distraction. I feel that some people who are not social or seemingly don't care do not want to show vulnerability. Just like myself, they have been hurt and disappointed a number of times that, one time maybe they wanted to care and give, but just couldn't do it anymore. Somehow, giving becomes a liability. It is quite sad.
Throughout my life, I've always had this youthful, optimistic spirit. I'm turning 33 this year and I can feel that spirit slipping away. I'm scared to let that go because I truly do NOT want to be one of those bitter women who can snap at you like they've suddenly become bipolar.

First Entry ...Yay!

So I hear blogging is therapeutic. I never thought I would be sharing my business on the internet. BUT! I guess there is a first for everything.
So the main reason why I felt this was important to do was because I am now going through another devastating breakup...boo hoo boo hoo! (Sigh)
Cut to the third day after the break up. Today I found out my ex enjoyed his warm sunny Sunday out of town on his friend's new boat. While I stayed indoors until I had to work.
The moment I stepped outside for a cigarette, I found the day was fucking beautiful. And then I thought...he's enjoying himself...and I could've had a chance to be there with him. I'm fucking pissed.
Yes, I've spoken with ALL of my close girl friends to keep my head in perspective. You know who your friends are when you are the most vulnerable. And they are soooo willing to pick you up and dust you off. But, I also pat myself on the back for reaching out to them. When I was younger, I wouldn't have dared. I would'v kept it all inside because .... because ..I didn't know how to share then.
and what do you know? I'm not pissed anymore. I wish I could write a screen play about my whole love life with this last one. I'm sure people could relate. Girl meets boy, girl falls for boy, she think he's the one, until ...he has to wait for her to finish school, he adds on rent to take of care of her, he mistrusts her because of rumors about her from devious outsiders, she changes who she is for him, but is conflicted ..., the passionate love they once shared becomes buried under mistrust, financial woes, and stubborn indifferences....
so now what? where will their paths lead? back to each other?...permanently away from each other? ..I'm not going to hold my breath..