Back on again...

Relationship is now stabilized..maybe we just needed to have sex.

Pick your battles?

well the argument from Monday ensues. It is Tuesday at 2 a.m. He didn't call me and I didn't call him. But I thought about him all day. Last night before bed time, I told myself "Don't worry about him. He's not worried about you."

Today, not so lucky. Two issues that can break a relationship...and we have them. - Money and Communication. And somehow it always comes back to us.

This time, I wasn't so distraught of our argument. Because I am at a point where I'm trying the best that I can, but it's not good enough. Did I mention he's an aries?

I am at a point where my point of view is completely shut down, yet again. It's frustrating.

Sometimes I try to tell myself to just relax, and recenter.

Having a relationship while going to school is hard. Because there's no MONEY! I know he's frustrated and getting impatient-I can hear it in is voice. I have a feeling, come October time when I graduate-he's going to expect I quickly get a job and make 50 fucking thousand dollars a year-at least.

And if I don't by December, his patience will be lost and he'll find somebody else. Which I wouldn't blame him.

I don't know what to do

WTF?

what the ef does he want from me? I put in 50 hours a week juggling school, work, and a relationship. I'm doing the best that I can while trying to stay sane and he's going to get on my ass about not cleaning the freakin' litter box?

I fucking give up.
I debated telling him about this blog site...and now I think, hell no.

Maybe I'm thinking he'd be happier with someone who was submissive, with much less personality, and who is a Martha Stewart clone.. because I'm not sure if I can handle living with him in the future.

Poor baby!

Well at least I don't have it as bad as little BaBa.... =(

50 hours a week

So much time has passed since my last post. I think I am in a better place too. My workplace has been easier for me to work, and plus I've been happier. The money helps=)

My relationship with my bf has been loooovelyyy! I owe it to a little maturity on my part that has loong been overdue. A major breakthrough in our relationship has alot to do with hurdling through a communication obstacle. With him, I have learned that as combative as he can be...as long as I allow him to speak about everything that is on his mind (even though it'll take at least 10 minutes non-stop)...and towards the ending I reiterate his point of view..it is smooth sailing from there.

Today I attended my friend's bridal shower and one of the things we had to participate in is writing marriage advice to the bride. Marriage advice? from ME? hahahhahahaa....I'm 32 and have a string of failed relationships....well I wrote that listening is one of the most important things you can do to liven a relationship. Oh! and don't yell to make your point. That took me about 30 years to learn.

Other good things-keeping up with full-time school isn't killing me this quarter.

The first week of school (ugh)

So I did it! Worked Mother's Day..volunteered for TPC...and completed my online class! Whew! The week is FINALLY over.

Oh! and I found a picture of my bf's ex on the internet...long story..somehow she thought she could email my bf (yes, we got back together-surprise suprise) and become friends all of a sudden.

I doubt he reached out to her..he let me read the emails.

How convenient it would've been for him to find an email pal if we had stayed broken up...?? But I must say...she had a really big face. Maybe she's not photogenic. Well, she tried in her pic anyway.

Ex's and friend-Ha! Dealbreaker.

The older you get

So I think I understand why some people become hard and uncaring. I think some people who work alot need the distraction. I feel that some people who are not social or seemingly don't care do not want to show vulnerability. Just like myself, they have been hurt and disappointed a number of times that, one time maybe they wanted to care and give, but just couldn't do it anymore. Somehow, giving becomes a liability. It is quite sad.
Throughout my life, I've always had this youthful, optimistic spirit. I'm turning 33 this year and I can feel that spirit slipping away. I'm scared to let that go because I truly do NOT want to be one of those bitter women who can snap at you like they've suddenly become bipolar.

First Entry ...Yay!

So I hear blogging is therapeutic. I never thought I would be sharing my business on the internet. BUT! I guess there is a first for everything.
So the main reason why I felt this was important to do was because I am now going through another devastating breakup...boo hoo boo hoo! (Sigh)
Cut to the third day after the break up. Today I found out my ex enjoyed his warm sunny Sunday out of town on his friend's new boat. While I stayed indoors until I had to work.
The moment I stepped outside for a cigarette, I found the day was fucking beautiful. And then I thought...he's enjoying himself...and I could've had a chance to be there with him. I'm fucking pissed.
Yes, I've spoken with ALL of my close girl friends to keep my head in perspective. You know who your friends are when you are the most vulnerable. And they are soooo willing to pick you up and dust you off. But, I also pat myself on the back for reaching out to them. When I was younger, I wouldn't have dared. I would'v kept it all inside because .... because ..I didn't know how to share then.
and what do you know? I'm not pissed anymore. I wish I could write a screen play about my whole love life with this last one. I'm sure people could relate. Girl meets boy, girl falls for boy, she think he's the one, until ...he has to wait for her to finish school, he adds on rent to take of care of her, he mistrusts her because of rumors about her from devious outsiders, she changes who she is for him, but is conflicted ..., the passionate love they once shared becomes buried under mistrust, financial woes, and stubborn indifferences....
so now what? where will their paths lead? back to each other?...permanently away from each other? ..I'm not going to hold my breath..