Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Day 9

So I got another call from him yesterday. I didn't pick up. He left a voicemail saying he was going out of town today and tomorrow. He wanted his laundry basket back before he got back. You know, as much as I still think about him, I'm starting to get angry. He's being stupid. I am now at a phase where I am less sad and more angry. I think about our breakup last weekend and how it came about. He is a son of a bitch. Let's start with what happened the week before the Saturday he broke it off with me. Monday- My co-workers invite me to a bday dinner at Osaka on Sunday. Time: 4 pm. But on that Sunday Scott and I had already made plans for the Blues Festival with his friends. I said, "We can go to both" Scott agrees. Thursday-Scott says, "I'm conflicted, either I go to the Blues Festival or Osaka. The Blues Festival doesn't start until 3pm" I get pissed because, yet again, he wants to ditch on our plans. We argue. I start to lose it. I regrettably call his friend and say he can have Scott all to himself now. (His friend bad mouthed me several times) I'm at work, frustrated I can't have a decent conversation with Scott. I lose it on the phone. Scott puts me on speaker phone so all of his friends can hear. I am then humiliated. Later that night, Scott says, "You need to do some soul-searching. You have anger management issues. I give you 5 days tops to decide if you still want to be in this relationship." "Fine by me." Saturday- I go to work. Since I have this time to think, I tell Scott that after work I might have a drink with a friend ( I look at this as a time to just relax). "And Sunday, I'm thinking of taking my neice and nephew to the beach." He says, "cool, no problem." A few hours later he calls saying he has a problem with me going out. He says me going out shows that I don't want to be in this relationship. "if you wanted to be in this relationship, you should have came over to see me." he says " I didn't know if I should have since I was humiliated", I say. He is highly pissed. I then ask him what he wants me to do. "Do you want me to go over there to see you?" He says it's too late. Later on his words are..."You are the worst girlfriend I've ever had. You are a liar, a cheater and you're crazy. I deserve better." "you are just a bad human being" "Everyone says I give you chance after chance after chance. No one is on your side on this one." And throws more insults. I drive over to where he's at. I walk up to the bar where he hangs out. I tell him to say it to my face. He looks over to me angrily and says, "Good bye." I turn around and walk out. Pretty stupid, huh? In my eyes, I'm thinking, through the influence of his friends, he was finally pushed to break it off with me. All of them think I'm crazy. I tell my one friend who knows my history with Scott about all of this. And she follows it saying, "Jessie, you don't need to care what those people think. They're not you're kind of people and they're not important." She's right. And now that I have this time to think, I realize that when he gets angry, he can be verbally and psychologically abusive. Ironically, I've become the same way in this relationship. Before, I was always mindful of what I needed to say in arguments. But it seems that I've gotten to this point of frustration that my words are harmful and impulsive. I started to yell again. He would give me ultimatums. I knew it was wrong, but then I would give him ultimatums. Couples in their 30's don't argue over this kind of shit, do they? And during this time apart, I'm starting to get my strength back. I'm okay being alone. My friends missed me and now I can have all of this time to make up for it. I've gained new friends who are incredibly supportive and caring. So I don't feel as sad and alone as I did the first time we broke up.

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