Sunday, April 3, 2011

My boyfriend and I broke up

Am I sad? Well, this isn't my first rodeo with him so ...half of me didn't want to let go and the other half knew better. Any my oh my how I have learned soooooooo much from this experience with Mr. Scott Bissell.
Attractive fellow, he is. Intelligent, funny, warm, considerate, but! apparently we weren't meant to be ....again. I give myself one year to get over us. And from this point on I will be logging EVERY bit of realizations, mistakes, scenarios..everything! to get through this process.

Today is day 1 after the break up. I didn't sit at home and mope like I did the first time. On this wonderful, cloudless Sunday, I took my niece and nephew to the beach and met up with a couple of friends. Then, I dropped the kids off at home and went to Osaka-a Chinese buffet with my co-workers. Afterwards, we went to the movies to see Adjustment Bureau with Matt Damon. I can relate to that movie so much. The instant attraction, the odds against the relationship. The only thing that was different in my relationship is that Scott and I didn't really inspire each other. But when she said the words, "You ruined me" to Matt Damon, I teared. Because those words resonated with me. Early in our relationship, I told Scott the exact same thing.

When Scott and I met, we had instant attraction and chemistry. I've never felt anything like it before. I smile when say this because I was in euphoria. I still get euphoric just thinking about it. I met him through a friend at the pool hall. I even loved the sound of his name. After she introduced us, I couldn't concentrate or focus. I shot the 3 ball instead of the 1 after the break, and my friend asked, "uh Jess, what are you doing?" and I couldn't answer because I was embaressed of what just happened.

It wasn't long before we started hanging out and inevitably, a relationship spawned. But though we just jolly together. There were signs. The jist of them were that he didn't keep his word. And he was quite convincing. And he showed thoughtlessness. And manipulative and controlling. Fast forward 3 years later. Those behaviors were some of the reasons why I started to become angry.
But in the beginning, well of course I wanted to overlook them. I liked him soooo much. I completely fell without my will.
At the time, I was still on my ex's phone plan. And one time he didn't pay the phone bill. I think it was like the second or third night Scott and I were going to go out, the phone gets disconnected. I freak out! I look at the bill and pay it.....$600! so that I wouldn't miss Scott's phone call. My ex had multiple lines because he was a business owner at the time.

I definitely had my own plan after that. I never mentioned that to Scott because a part of me thinks he would probably say I was lying. kind of hurts to say that because he's accused me of lying so much. with a very cold, hurtful tone.
and a flood of bad memories just pours. But as I said to my girl friend, I applaud and respect him for breaking it off this time. Because I probably couldn't have done it. Our break up is best for the both of us.

Sometimes when I'm alone, I'll start to think about things and as funny as this sounds, I'll go on YouTube and look up videos on how to go through breakups. It's self-help, if you will.

I know going through this last experience, I went to a very bad and very dark place. And I'm still there. I'm supposed to be assured that I will find a better partner suited for me. But that won't happen until I feel achieved and happy in my environment. I'm supposed to pursue my goals and sustain from them. I am happy when I am learning something new. I have something in mind. And this time, I will see it through until the very end. Because then, I will be in the right place.

My journey not only includes reestablishing my lost relationships, but developing new ones. Because for a long time, I've felt I haven't found my group of people.

For a long time, I was with his group of people. There was him, his friends, then me. I gave him 90% of power in the relationship, which resulted in his lack of respect for me. Things were fine because it was all going his way. Fucked up, isn't it? I allowed this because I didn't want to lose him.

co-dependency? Definitely! Yet again, I emersed myself in his world.

A friend of mine, my angel, gave me the realization that I didn't fit with his friends because they weren't my type of people. and it didn't matter what they thought. And now that I thought of it, Scott was actually a good-looking loser. Even the way he dresses sometimes. Ugh. embarrassing. I definitely helped him that. How is he going to go shopping without me?

I almost convinced myself that his life would be my life, and I would've been okay with it.

Okay, sleepy now. I will regurgitate Scott another time. .....I'm actually already tired of talking about him. Ugh, but I'm going to hate waking up in the morning.

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